Everyday ethics: Real dialogue involves listening, too

There’s a real difference between having a discussion with someone and having dialogue — and the difference may well point to why so many are having difficulties communicating with one another,

Discussion, which comes from the same root word used for “concussion” and “percussion,” is more like observing a tennis match as the ball goes back and forth across the net. It’s hard to follow the play. Often craning your neck to watch may cause a strain. There’s really no time to pause and think.

If you want to see discussions in action, tune in to any political debate or even conversations on television. The game is tossing points of view back and forth, not pausing to listen to what anyone else is saying. In fact, often participants in a debate have a sentence or two they have memorized beforehand and plan to toss into the discussion whenever they have the chance.

Dialogue, on the other hand, comes from Latin and roughly means seeking the meaning between participants in exchanges, sometimes finding cpmmon ground and sometimes not. The point is learning not only to hear a different point of view but sharpening your own. If you find common ground, so much the better. But the real goal is learning to think more clearly, perhaps even changing your mind, a rare feat these days.

Ironically, one purpose of dialogue in ancient times was to teach people to think not only for themselves but for the communities in which they lived. Learning to think and engage in dialogue was necessary as a civic virtue — becoming informed citizens, in other words.

Today we suffer from an overload of discussions and a shortage of dialogue, much due to the explosion of social media. We have a hard time sorting out facts from fiction and often give up trying to understand points of view different from our own. The result is that we are the victims of too much discussion and too little dialogue.

Nowhere is this more evident than on university campuses where different sides shout at each other, often across protest lines, and sadly even attack one another verbally and physically.

Ironically, colleges and universities were once the sources of teaching about civic virtue and ethical behavior, especially in democracies. Academics, from the same source as the Academy of Greek philosophy, were the places where people could speak freely, even adopt different points of view in a climate of listening to one another.

I’ve taught philosophy and ethics for many years at many universities. Part of my goal was always to help students learn how to engage in dialogue, stating their points of view clearly but just as importantly, listening to viewpoints different from their own.

How do you engage in constructive dialogue?  Philosopher Anthony Weston offfers four step in his book “A Practical Guide to Ethic.”

1.  Start by asking not which side is right, but what each side is right about.2.  Seek balance or common ground between contending views.3.  Build on mutual interests.4.  Work on creating a shared vision that brings both sides in.

Another philosopher, Daniel C. Denntt, offers his four rules for civil discourse in his book “Intuition Pumps and Other ‘Tools for Thinking.”

1.  You should attempt to re-express the other person’s position so clearly that they say they wish they had put it that way.2.  You should list any points of agreement with the other person.3.  You should mention anything you learned from the other person.4.  Only after these three are you permitted to say so much as a word of criticism or where your point of view differs with the other person.

Perhaps in the heat of verbal battles, few are able to think rationally, which might be why these basic rules are best practiced in a small group under careful supervision or best seen as a model for helping you think through an issue before going public, a kind of preventive medicine for dialogue.

But finding common ground though civil discourse is the heart of what it means to live in a democracy — often praised but seldom practiced.

John C. Morgan is an author and teacher.  His columns can be found at www.readingeagle.com